Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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