your parents love me but you hate me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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