I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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