Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Your penis caused this!
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