Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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