OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize