What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
