Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
