is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
