She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
