Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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