mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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