Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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