My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
