Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
