I can't watch pbs sober anymore
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
