I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
