i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
