Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize