Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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