how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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