Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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