i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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