I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
