bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am one with the molecules
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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