I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
