i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
