Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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