'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
