It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
