We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
