from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cat gives me a boner
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
