We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
