My liver just broke up with me...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize