Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
