I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
