I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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