It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
