I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just had sex on a roof
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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