Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
