don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
