John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
