the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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