Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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