i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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