well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
