you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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