I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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