i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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