Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we're making bets on your personal life
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize