i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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