I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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