how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have aggressive nipples.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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