I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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