rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
