I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
