Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
