Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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