My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize