I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
