walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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