Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
