anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
